Has The New Man Arrived?

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Author: Michael Douglas

Has The New Man Arrived?

By Michael Douglas 

Has the "new man" arrived? Of late, the media has been talking a great deal about such a creature, or what it terms a "complete man." The idea is that basically, in response to the feminist movement, often coupled with a 2-career marriage, men have changed. They have become more what women want them to be - more sensitive, more caring, more understanding, more intimate, more involved in household work and childcare.

Surely, many men, by themselves or in groups, are starting to question the values they were brought up with. They are asking what it means to be a man, and more precisely, what kind of a man they want to be.

Yet, it would be closer to the mark to say that men today are struggling with a situation far more complex and confusing than what it was for the fathers and grandfathers. Men are subject to new pressures and messages, many of which conflict with the traditional rules and values.

Yes, a man should still be strong, but this should be balanced with sensitivity. Too much show of strength would earn him the term macho (now used more in a derogatory than an admiring sense). But a man has to be careful about the sensitivity part as well. Too much sensitivity can label him a weakling.

Yes, a man should be successful at work, but somehow also find time to relate to his mate and help a lot in household chores. Exactly where the time and energy will come from to carry out all these tasks, is his headache.

Yes, a man should be a forceful lover; women don't want a wimp in bed: but in addition, he should be tender and considerate, willing to do what is needed for a woman's satisfaction.

Yes, a man should take the sexual initiative, even persevere if he encounters some feigned resistance: but he should be alert to a genuine rebuff: to take particular care, lest a sexual invitation he makes is construed as sexual harassment.

Today's man is caught in a peculiar bind because the very definition of familial love has changed. In the past, what husbands did - working to support the family, abstaining from chasing other women, helping at home in a few selected tasks commonly reserved for men - was accepted as showing their love. Now, men are expected to show love the way women do, by sharing feelings and talking in a personal way.

Even the definition of sex is on its way to becoming feminine in nature. Marital sex is no longer some impulsive, quick sex; it should be of adequate duration, with its component of foreplay and after-play.

In the past, jokes were mostly at the expense of women. Women were rated dumb, poor in doing accounts, timid in driving, and squeamish about sex. Jokes these days are more at the expense of men. All that men care about is sex, sports and work. They don't remember birthdays and fumble while feeding a baby.

NEW MODERN MAN

This is not to say that men have a rougher time than women. In today's world, both sexes suffer in their own ways. Yet, the modern man faces a unique new situation.

And he doesn't get much understanding because he has a hard time expressing what's going on within him. Which is exactly what we would expect from someone brought up as a typical boy.

"Don't be a sissy," is the important socialisation message boys receive from their early years. To be a sissy is deemed much worse for a boy than being a tomboy is deemed for a girl.

Since females of all ages are the softer ones - people who express feelings, who cry, who are more relating - boys do their best to do the reverse; they suppress their softer side.

Indeed, they learn to believe that femaleness is something strange and inferior. One result of this is the development of a habit of not taking women seriously. This inability to take women seriously can cause much friction in adult life, especially in marital life.

It is assumed that girls will grow up to be women simply by getting older. But boys need something special to become men. Manhood is conditional; having the right genitals is necessary, but not sufficient.

No man was born a man; you earned your manhood, provided you were good enough, bold enough. For boys, combativeness rules their life, whether it's sports, fights, studies or sex; as if everywhere their masculinity is at stake.

Because of the emphasis on strength and self-reliance, men have trouble admitting to unresolved personal problems. If a man acknowledges his confusion or fear and asks for help, it's taken as something wrong with him; as if he's not as tough as he ought to be. You have this ridiculous situation of men driving endlessly around in their cars instead of stopping and asking for directions. No wonder men avoid acknowledging their worries to their mates. They are slow to admit to illness and other physical problems, and even slower to admit to emotional distress. Quite a few choose to drown their feelings in alcohol.

Contrary to the common assumption that it's only the harried working mother who juggles her job, her children's needs and her housework, working fathers also suffer from daddy stress.

A sick child left at home in a maid's care can haunt a man during his working day. In an experiment conducted by Michael Lamb, a New York researcher, he monitored the blood pressure of parents, their heart rate and galvanic skin response while exposing them to their crying babies.

It was found that there was no difference between mothers and fathers. One can see enough indications of the "new man" in the offing. Yet, he's taking his own time to "arrive."