How To Mend a A Broken Heart

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Author: Esther Kane

How To Mend a A Broken Heart

by Esther Kane

Recently, I was asked, "How does one begin to heal from a painful love affair?" Oh, if only there were a simple answer to heartbreak.

Alas, I have yet to find one.

After witnessing countless women's journeys on the roadto healing from a hurtful love affair, the conclusion that I've come tois that 'the only way out is through.'

This, dear reader, is probably NOT the answer you were looking for.

However, I'm a big believer indealing with reality and not seeking simple solutions to complex problems.

When a healthy intimate relationship ends, the pain can feel unbearableat times.

But when a hurtful, or abusive, relationship ends, not only are you dealing with the loss of the relationship; you've also got to heal from the trauma of the abuse.

I'm not sure if the relationship inquestion was abusive or not because I don't have enough information togo on, but for the purposes of this column, I'm going to assume that it wasn't in order to simplify things.

Please forgive me if I got it wrong.

If it was abusive, I strongly recommend that you seek psychotherapy with someone who specializes in healing from abuse as this is a very delicate matter that needs professional help.

So, in terms of healing from a relationship where there wasn't abuse per se, but it just didn't work due to other reasons (there can bemany), I will state again that THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.

What I mean by that is that you have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process until you're done.

There's no strict formula here forwhat that should look like or how long it should take, but in general, there are definite stages of grief.

I've taken the following from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she outlines five stages that a dying person experiences when they are told they are dying.

The stages identified are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance 

Even though these stages were developed for people who are terminally ill; experience throughout the years has shown that they are equally applicable to many other forms of loss and grief.

So when a relationship ends, for example, you may go into denial and scream,"this can't be happening to me!"Soon after that, you may explode with anger and think, "Why is thishappening to me?" You may blame your ex, yourself, or even God for the end of the relationship.

This can be especially intense if your partner cheated on you.

You may be enraged at the unfairness of it all and want to punish him/her and the person they cheated with.

Then comes the bargaining stage where you're in so much pain after the break-up, that you're willing to do anything in order to get that person back and you shriek, "I promise I'll be a better person if you'll just come back to me."

Then, you're hit with the proverbial "blues."

This is when you're favourite place in your home is your freezer and you frequently gothere for a tub of Haagan Dazs (and NOT the low-fat kind either!) Billie Holiday records are also extremely handy at this stage, as are countless bubble baths in which you soak your tired body, cry a river of tears (all while listening to Billie on the stereo and consuming icecream- a sort of emotional 'multitasking', if you like).

Then, alas, the tears start to dry up, you don't feel so crummy, and you start to notice the good things in life again.

This final stage, the one you've earned through going through all of the preceding stages and surviving, is called, "acceptance."  This is when you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the saddle of life with a renewed sense of hope, some understanding, a dose of personal growth,and even a sense of humour.

Even though I've never had children, I'm imagining that this stage is like JUST AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN BIRTH, andyou almost forget how painful it all was and can see that it was all worth it. 

To all of you who are trying to heal from a broken heart, I hope that at least some of what I've shared here helps.

Esther Kane, MSW, Registered Clinical Counsellor, is the author of "Dump That Chump: A Ten-Step Plan for Ending Bad Relationships and Attracting the Fabulous Partner You Deserve (www.dumpthatchump.com), and "What Your Mama Can't or Won't Teach You: Grown Women's Stories of Their Teen Years (www.guidebooktowomanhood.com). Sign up for her free monthly e-zine, Women's Community Counsellor, to uplift and inspire women at: www.estherkane.com. 

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